What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 00:26
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My life is so biszare .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were not on the streets..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Can a twin flame runner be happy in a karmic relationship?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Put me off passion for life!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I write beautiful poetry .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Would this be the day?
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But, we were locked up after school.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She loved him until the end.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We all went to grammer schools
They are buried together, in the same grave..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She found it foreign!.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He knew the spot.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
All the time i was locked up.
So, i spoilt her more .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
This is soul school!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im still living with it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I couldn’t, believe it.
When she asked me how she looked .
I think the readers, may guess!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I will be 64.
Who then, do I blame.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was in good health!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I said to her
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was 9 years of age.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
What did i know ?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was very sick at this time too.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was scared of men, in general
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My family never makes their pension either.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was seconnd youngest,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I have no regrets .
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She married twice! .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
So whats the point in blame.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But it wasn’t much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Comes on , in middle age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.